I have been faced with some tough things in my life and first and foremost bringing my lil Angel into the world has been my toughest challenge so far! the second was making the choice to stay home with her..leaving my job of three years, my friends whom I held dear to me as not only co-workers but folks who I also shared other tough times with as well..and third has to be just the everyday things that come with staying home..sometimes I am bored out of my skull! I miss that feeling of independence if that makes a ounce of sense... WELL my real reason for bringing that up was that I was shopping in my former place of employment..well there is a location that is closer to my house now..not nessesarily the one I worked at... SO I was shopping and I bump into an old supervisor who begans to just beg me to come work there.."weee need you jamie" Plleeese come here to work" With that I was a little panic-eeek....I kinda had this burst of fear thinking about comming back? Work? even if it was just a couple days a week? I told her flat out I would consider it. As I am about to drive back home I look back at my lil madie who was closing her eyes and holding her blankie close in her carseat and an overwelming feeling of guilt swept over me..I began to tear up... The life I gave up for her is calling me back!!??Real Adult conversations!? Getting up off my butt and getting active?! JUST GETTING OUT.....? I am just plain scared. no other way to put it. Now, mind you a babysitter is not the issue..grandma would watch madie twice a week and It could work...but this is my babygirl! I want so much for her to be seizure free and be like other kids...be a toddler....some reason it would be easier if madie was not h9w she is to just leave her to go to work.... When you have a child with delays you go thru an on and off greiving period where you have to try accept that they are not going to be as up to par as other kids..that they are going to need like 5 pushes to reach goals that usually only require a small boost.. when work summonds me telling me that it will give me a break..if anything...not even for the piss poor paycheck...a break from being lost in my own thoughts..worrying about madies next seizure...etc etc... ya kinda wanna take them up on their offer and say to myself that the feeling of self worth will exceed any guilt that I may feel for leaving her.... I dunno... Im out of words.. I just hate those lame mommy groups where everyone sits awkwardly around a circle and talks about sallys biting problem..or young jacob who swears at the dog...(ok that is extreme)...but ya get me? I am also seriosly trying to find mamas who are goingthru the same thing..and the freakin yahoo group is the hardest think to navigate...why cant it be like a profile thing instead of this big message board that sends random e-maills and topics that give no help...gah. Okay time to put madie down for a nap..one finger typing gets tricky hugs mamas me |
